Impressions

I'm on the outside looking in, my face pressed against the thin glass that seperates me from acceptance from my peers, so desperately wanting it, almost needing it, feeling survival is impossible without it............and they see it. Yes, my face is seen by all who are within the comfort of "the norm". However, what is seen by one may not be seen by another:

To some, I am different. No. To ALL I am different, that holds true against all barrages of questionings and theories. I am different. However, to those in mention that is all I am: different, NOT a differENCE. I occupy space and that is all I am good for:  breathing. The choices I make that in my eyes seem miniscule are collossal in theirs. I am never right, always flawed in my reasonings and disgusting to look upon. Sadly, I yearn for their approval and place upon myself the emporer's new suit, knowing full well that I AM naked......Yet I am still looking in....

To another group I am wacky. Just that. Wacky. No hint of seriousness or dash of determination to the completion of set task. Just wacky. I am underestimated daily by those surrounding, even though they are inside the bubble and I out, giving them no real chance to see my ability, requiring them to utilize the opinions of others as their facts. Wacky...hmm....I enjoy a good laugh yes and admittedly my humor does get the best of me in the majority....but to assume immediately that I am only useful in time of boredom or sorrow.....wacky.....the nerve of them.....

Alas, there are more. More assumptions made TRUTHS and more fragmented stories becoming "biblical" knowledge with respects to me, for it must be true. All that is said MUST be TRUE.
Others see me as naive. Amazing. In awe and shock they send me whirling. If not for my cling to the bubble of "normality" and desire to enter I would be blown away due to the sheer force of their "knowlegde". I ask questions to gain understanding of the knowledge being imparted to me by those who were here before, not to provide you with amusement or give you reason to pity me. I am young, NOT inexperienced. I am novice, NOT a beginner. I am arriving, NOT at the starting line. Once again I am underestimated. What have I done to deserve your labels? What have I done to be seen as.......outside.......

What......what's this?.....Someone......someone approaches!!! Oh my. Am I suited for the occasion? Am I presentable? This stain on my shirt, I curse thee. She moves closer, closer and CLOSER STILL!!! I am not ready to be addressed. I am different, wacky, a child. I know nothing of normality, that is why I cling to it: hoping to learn it's secrets and apply them to this shell I call.....myself.....
Now she's at the edge of the bubble.....staring.....at me......her eyes.....they seem dull. Almost lifeless, the shimmer and glow of youth fighting a battle who's outcome looks certain: death. Pale. Why is her skin so pale......with such a lack a of luster.....? Her hand....it reaches for me. THIS IS IT!! MY ACCEPTANCE!! I bid abnormality farewell and enter the world of acceptance.

Her hand reaches the bubble, and I, expecting change, expecting some radical transformation, expecting some supernatural glow to engulf me.....am disappointed.....why....what......WHY AM I NOT ACCEPTED!?!?! What have I done? Where must I go to find what I am needing. What DO I need? Is reality making a mockery of me? Is this the way it is telling me to stop searching and forget what I have yearned for since.......my beggining? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM M-

Her eyes....they are watering. This girl, obviously beautiful, more beautiful than words can describe, is chained down by thoughts of negativity, heavily burdened by depression and drowing in sadness. What surprises me....is that I know. How do I know? What is this link that she has given me, what pass into the passage of her soul? That does not matter: it all fades. My yearn for her well being consumes me, her thoughts now my thoughts begin to destroy me slowly. Amazing. I care for the one who will be my end. Truly I am as they all said. Their facts are not fiction after all.

............??? Something was triggered by that statement of defeat. I see....a light. Bright, yet dim as if trying to reach me, yet is too far away for me to grasp. It grows stronger. Yes, I can feel it: warm, soothing, happy.......accepting. This is what i was yearning for. This brigns my search to an end. I have found it. I have found.....normality? NO. That is NOT normality. That is.....me.....
This girl. Her thoughts have turned to me and her perceptions of the "who" that I am. I brace myself for harsh blows and piercing assumptions.....without need.

She is one of them. She sees who I really am. She sees my hopes, my dreams, my insecurites, my loves, peeves, the greatness I have within, the joys I give to others with my presence, the smiles I enjoy gracing those who deserve and the patience I execute upon those who don't, my good times, my fears, my obsessions, my desires, my........me......

She recognises I am more than a vessel. Something lies within me waiting to be awakened for the betterment of all, and she SEES it. Now I see it, that and much more. I see sacrifice. I see a price to be paid. I see history and the fall of man and men time and time again. She sobs, her thin body being racked from the force. This is all coming from me. I am the cause of her suffering. If only there was a way to retire from this montage, but I am stuck. WE are stuck. We have no choice but to watch it being played before us: our failures as a species. Unbearable. Just unbearable. It must end. IT MUST!! IT-

*CLANG*...that sound....*CLANG*....there it is again. *CLANG*. It's getting louder. Yes, it grows. Defeaning.....but there's more?? I hear screams of pure agony, sheer horror, anger....such anger, and even joy. I am not alone, for she hears them too. YES. SHE DOES. Her sobbing has stopped, full attention being paid to the scene painted. *CLANG*. "Father forgive them, for they know not WHAT they do!!"

It's Him....I see it....I....I am here. I am at the most saddening, heartwrenching point in history: the death of our Lord. I see it. His pain. His suffering. I see it all. I want it to end. END THIS!!!.....Her face.....it's still glued to the scene, her eyes unmoving, capturing every second and replaying again for clarity and credibilty. how can she watch this unmoved at that grotesque mis-shapen figure once known as the Son of God? How can it all not affect her? "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do!!" Again, His call to His father on our behalf. Us. Undeserving, unworthy, un.....tears. Yes, I see them. Her tears. They fall. Slow at first, but then in torrents. Her wails and sobs threaten to destroy her frail body. I want to hold her. I want to tell her it is alright. I want to tell he the story isn't over.

I had no need to. My thoughts are now her thoughts. She sees what I see and I am looking at victory. A stone? Rolled away? It is much too large and well defined to be just a random formation. OH!! A TOMB!! YES!! However, I sense her confusion: why is it empty? I smile. I now remember. I now understand.

I am outside of the bubble of normality. Yes. I accept this fact. I am different, but not just that for i am a difference. I am wacky, but to attract the required acquired necessary to raise eyebrows leading to raised questions such as "Why is he so happy?" "What does he have that keeps him going?" "Why don't I have that?". I am NOT naive however. I am young, making me strong, NOT inexperienced. For what casue? To what end? To THIS end. The light that shone from me was not my own. It was within me, shinging THROUGH me: the light of Christ. I am outside of the bubble because "normality" is not ACCEPTANCE. It is boundage. The want to be like everyone else kills individuality. It also makes you lose sight of the plan, the GREATEST plan, His plan. Christ was not generally accepted, but he was generally heard. It was not His goal to be accepted, but to give love which in turn gave life. He was at times REJECTED by his peers and loved ones, only to show that this is an expectation of those who follow in his footsteps.

She still sees what I am seeing. She sees my reasonings, my views and my choices. But overall, she sees hope. I now see something that wasn't there before. I see another light, shining brightly.
I am outside the bubble looking in, with no want to enter. I am outside the bubble and now, I am not alone.

The one thing I want you to get from this heartfelt blog is this: People WILL label you. It is an sad yet unavoidable truth life holds. At times, we WILL fall prey to the trap of listening and trying to fit our lives to that of those "in the bubble", but we were called to be so much greater. God loves you. He sees what you are and what you were/are meant to be. His sacrifice was one of love NOT one of duty. He coudl have let us all fall into the shadows, but He in His love and infinite wisedom decided to provide a light. He loves you. He loves you. He truly, truly loves you. BeUBeBeautiful is more than a twitter name and blog url. It's a message: Be what God intended you to be. Be what He knows you are capable of. Be beautiful, for that is how He made you. Don't let "the bubble" determine your moves on this dancefloor called life: God is the DJ, He got the tunes to get you moving in the right direction. I love you, and He loves you too.

twitter: BeUBeBeautiful
Official blog: beubebeautiful.blogspot.com

Worthless......

We give all we can. That is humanity, THAT is human nature: to progress with our best efforts and intentions. Making constant reflections on a past which has passed, living in a now which is both the before and after, and dreaming of a brighter dawn after a night of turmoil, THIS is humanity. Hope.

But what happens when all you can give, isn't enough? What happens when all that's left to give is your essence: The inner being that can only be labelled by YOU, the only thing in this stack of cards that we can say we placed to make a difference? The one thing we say we are personally in control of? What happens when your best, once given, needs to be better?

Do we grow? Do we pick up the pieces and remodel ourselves in the image of our "masters": society's constant need of "perfection", our schoolmates, our parents, NEVER our God? No....we become.....unwanted.....

The feeling of worthlessness has comparisson to no other. Imagine a thin blade being slowly pushed into your consciousness; it's serrated edges tearing you from all you saw as "reality" and destroying all bonds to whatever and whomever you thought near. Side to side it sways, mercilessly carving you into a hollow shell of who you once were. It whispers sweet nothings to you, "soothing" you with pictures of an ending of security, peace and even dare I say it......love.....

We question ourselves: our abilities, our inner beauty, our personal truths, the reason for out very existence. Who are we?
What are we?
Why are we here?
I am only a bother, a nuisance, a broken masterpiece, a perfect failure.......unwanted.....
This is the reality. THIS.....unfortunately.....is the majority of our humanity......

What we earned is no longer ours. What we fought for is now meaningless. What we lau-.....laughter is only but a memory of joyous times past, like the sad farewell of a hero in his triumphant return. We surround ourselves with walls of indifference. We sit in the puddle of negativity in which we fell, sinking further into despair. Without desire for life, joy seems as a fairytale and hope.......does such a word exist? In this world.....the warmth of possibility seems to grow colder, as we grow older.....

Why? Isn't this all a grand contradiction to my earlier statements? Is my mind an inextricable maze of confusion or an entangled mass of folly? You ask me these questions without even realizing the you have the answers within.

Without fear, there can be no love.
Without noise, there is no such thing as music.
Without sadness, happiness is only a fable.
Without death, we do not truly value life.
Witout hunger, we wouldn't understand what it means to be full
Without sin, forgiveness could never be given
Without despair......there can be no hope.

As most things in life, negativity requires it's positive opposite to survive and positivity requires a negative stance for it to be appreciated.

With this being said, being unwanted, yes, it is a part of humanity. It comes together with all other components to make the whole. However, Hope is stronger as it requires peering into a future which seems impossible and believing in it. Joy is greater for a smile in a sad time is a laugh in good one. Finally, Love conquers all as it is the ultimate gift of sacrifice from one to another; giving it the power to create bridges over many trouble waters, span chasms and break walls. So yes, we are human and will fall or even fail......but we will stand.

THAT.IS.HUMANITY.    

Three letters, one syllable, so many questions

Why? Why? Nothing else, just why?
So many questions, so little time.
So many choices, with outcomes uncertain.
So many cold nights, lost in thought behind dark curtains.
I sit here, I wonder, I speak, but then blunder but......why?

A word so simple, and yet so complex.
It can begin ALL questions, thus supporting my next....
conclusion? I would say, but I'm lost as you:
What gives this word power, and the reason it's abused?
I try, without ceasing, without tension's releasing I sigh......but why?

It all looks hopeless, I'm lost as I did state.
In all this confusion, I can only wait.
So that's what I'll do, yes, I'll sit and stop pacing
Pull key from ignition, and stop these thoughts' racing.
Patience, discerning, my insides no longer burning, but alas, I'm returning to.....why?

Why is humanity destroying itself
over trivial matters such as fame or wealth?
Why is pain the answer to all questions?
Before you exclaim, have you ever felt depression?
Why is this life so hard for the many?
Why do those who have much refuse to give any?
Why is love now a feeling, instead of a gift
that is given so freely, in this world that we live?
Why are questions like these not asked in the scenes
in the movies we watch and aloud the streets?
Why does God feel so far, when He's always so close.......
Why do people reject him.....why have I done it most.....

These questions they burn, my heart fills with sorrow.
I have no rest, for they return tomorrow.
I feel abandoned, alone on this quest
to answer the questions ignored by the rest.....
Unwavering, I stand, My mission is planned, with resolve so strong I will carry on....but.....why?    

The Quest for Truth

I sit here, lie here, wait here
Staring at a screen, the page of white.
I reach for answers to enscribe
For so many questions I ask in this life

The meaning, it's seeming, is beaming
through the darkness, it's light I behold
still searching for answers, but so cold
wanting to stop, but I must be bold

Do you understand, the task at hand, was not made for man
to do alone?
Yet, I feel I'm on my own,
On the journey to find home.

This quest, at it's best, is a test
of my character, it's being defined
though these pessimistic surges claw at my mind
I know I will make it......I'm just running low on time.

Wise words of a fool.

Writing. Scribbles that makes sense, hence I speak not folly but with the tongues of one who was here before. Experience is the teacher through which we learn by trial and error; never failure: for failure only occurs when your want for "peace" exceeds your drive to win.

I speak with the ability to be eloquent, yet speak with youthful angst. Hence, I am a contradiction, a paradox awaiting a solution, a conundrum in need of unravelling. Do I regret these traits? Of course not, for this is who I am and this is what I will delight in being.

Confusing others with the thoughts that are "not mine". What confuses them is not the ideas nor the suggestions or even the questions. It is the mouth from which they spout. Wisdom on the tongues of fools seems difficult to understand. In fact, some say impossible. However, to think in such a way destroys one's ability to see past the facade called "reality".