Impressions

I'm on the outside looking in, my face pressed against the thin glass that seperates me from acceptance from my peers, so desperately wanting it, almost needing it, feeling survival is impossible without it............and they see it. Yes, my face is seen by all who are within the comfort of "the norm". However, what is seen by one may not be seen by another:

To some, I am different. No. To ALL I am different, that holds true against all barrages of questionings and theories. I am different. However, to those in mention that is all I am: different, NOT a differENCE. I occupy space and that is all I am good for:  breathing. The choices I make that in my eyes seem miniscule are collossal in theirs. I am never right, always flawed in my reasonings and disgusting to look upon. Sadly, I yearn for their approval and place upon myself the emporer's new suit, knowing full well that I AM naked......Yet I am still looking in....

To another group I am wacky. Just that. Wacky. No hint of seriousness or dash of determination to the completion of set task. Just wacky. I am underestimated daily by those surrounding, even though they are inside the bubble and I out, giving them no real chance to see my ability, requiring them to utilize the opinions of others as their facts. Wacky...hmm....I enjoy a good laugh yes and admittedly my humor does get the best of me in the majority....but to assume immediately that I am only useful in time of boredom or sorrow.....wacky.....the nerve of them.....

Alas, there are more. More assumptions made TRUTHS and more fragmented stories becoming "biblical" knowledge with respects to me, for it must be true. All that is said MUST be TRUE.
Others see me as naive. Amazing. In awe and shock they send me whirling. If not for my cling to the bubble of "normality" and desire to enter I would be blown away due to the sheer force of their "knowlegde". I ask questions to gain understanding of the knowledge being imparted to me by those who were here before, not to provide you with amusement or give you reason to pity me. I am young, NOT inexperienced. I am novice, NOT a beginner. I am arriving, NOT at the starting line. Once again I am underestimated. What have I done to deserve your labels? What have I done to be seen as.......outside.......

What......what's this?.....Someone......someone approaches!!! Oh my. Am I suited for the occasion? Am I presentable? This stain on my shirt, I curse thee. She moves closer, closer and CLOSER STILL!!! I am not ready to be addressed. I am different, wacky, a child. I know nothing of normality, that is why I cling to it: hoping to learn it's secrets and apply them to this shell I call.....myself.....
Now she's at the edge of the bubble.....staring.....at me......her eyes.....they seem dull. Almost lifeless, the shimmer and glow of youth fighting a battle who's outcome looks certain: death. Pale. Why is her skin so pale......with such a lack a of luster.....? Her hand....it reaches for me. THIS IS IT!! MY ACCEPTANCE!! I bid abnormality farewell and enter the world of acceptance.

Her hand reaches the bubble, and I, expecting change, expecting some radical transformation, expecting some supernatural glow to engulf me.....am disappointed.....why....what......WHY AM I NOT ACCEPTED!?!?! What have I done? Where must I go to find what I am needing. What DO I need? Is reality making a mockery of me? Is this the way it is telling me to stop searching and forget what I have yearned for since.......my beggining? WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM M-

Her eyes....they are watering. This girl, obviously beautiful, more beautiful than words can describe, is chained down by thoughts of negativity, heavily burdened by depression and drowing in sadness. What surprises me....is that I know. How do I know? What is this link that she has given me, what pass into the passage of her soul? That does not matter: it all fades. My yearn for her well being consumes me, her thoughts now my thoughts begin to destroy me slowly. Amazing. I care for the one who will be my end. Truly I am as they all said. Their facts are not fiction after all.

............??? Something was triggered by that statement of defeat. I see....a light. Bright, yet dim as if trying to reach me, yet is too far away for me to grasp. It grows stronger. Yes, I can feel it: warm, soothing, happy.......accepting. This is what i was yearning for. This brigns my search to an end. I have found it. I have found.....normality? NO. That is NOT normality. That is.....me.....
This girl. Her thoughts have turned to me and her perceptions of the "who" that I am. I brace myself for harsh blows and piercing assumptions.....without need.

She is one of them. She sees who I really am. She sees my hopes, my dreams, my insecurites, my loves, peeves, the greatness I have within, the joys I give to others with my presence, the smiles I enjoy gracing those who deserve and the patience I execute upon those who don't, my good times, my fears, my obsessions, my desires, my........me......

She recognises I am more than a vessel. Something lies within me waiting to be awakened for the betterment of all, and she SEES it. Now I see it, that and much more. I see sacrifice. I see a price to be paid. I see history and the fall of man and men time and time again. She sobs, her thin body being racked from the force. This is all coming from me. I am the cause of her suffering. If only there was a way to retire from this montage, but I am stuck. WE are stuck. We have no choice but to watch it being played before us: our failures as a species. Unbearable. Just unbearable. It must end. IT MUST!! IT-

*CLANG*...that sound....*CLANG*....there it is again. *CLANG*. It's getting louder. Yes, it grows. Defeaning.....but there's more?? I hear screams of pure agony, sheer horror, anger....such anger, and even joy. I am not alone, for she hears them too. YES. SHE DOES. Her sobbing has stopped, full attention being paid to the scene painted. *CLANG*. "Father forgive them, for they know not WHAT they do!!"

It's Him....I see it....I....I am here. I am at the most saddening, heartwrenching point in history: the death of our Lord. I see it. His pain. His suffering. I see it all. I want it to end. END THIS!!!.....Her face.....it's still glued to the scene, her eyes unmoving, capturing every second and replaying again for clarity and credibilty. how can she watch this unmoved at that grotesque mis-shapen figure once known as the Son of God? How can it all not affect her? "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do!!" Again, His call to His father on our behalf. Us. Undeserving, unworthy, un.....tears. Yes, I see them. Her tears. They fall. Slow at first, but then in torrents. Her wails and sobs threaten to destroy her frail body. I want to hold her. I want to tell her it is alright. I want to tell he the story isn't over.

I had no need to. My thoughts are now her thoughts. She sees what I see and I am looking at victory. A stone? Rolled away? It is much too large and well defined to be just a random formation. OH!! A TOMB!! YES!! However, I sense her confusion: why is it empty? I smile. I now remember. I now understand.

I am outside of the bubble of normality. Yes. I accept this fact. I am different, but not just that for i am a difference. I am wacky, but to attract the required acquired necessary to raise eyebrows leading to raised questions such as "Why is he so happy?" "What does he have that keeps him going?" "Why don't I have that?". I am NOT naive however. I am young, making me strong, NOT inexperienced. For what casue? To what end? To THIS end. The light that shone from me was not my own. It was within me, shinging THROUGH me: the light of Christ. I am outside of the bubble because "normality" is not ACCEPTANCE. It is boundage. The want to be like everyone else kills individuality. It also makes you lose sight of the plan, the GREATEST plan, His plan. Christ was not generally accepted, but he was generally heard. It was not His goal to be accepted, but to give love which in turn gave life. He was at times REJECTED by his peers and loved ones, only to show that this is an expectation of those who follow in his footsteps.

She still sees what I am seeing. She sees my reasonings, my views and my choices. But overall, she sees hope. I now see something that wasn't there before. I see another light, shining brightly.
I am outside the bubble looking in, with no want to enter. I am outside the bubble and now, I am not alone.

The one thing I want you to get from this heartfelt blog is this: People WILL label you. It is an sad yet unavoidable truth life holds. At times, we WILL fall prey to the trap of listening and trying to fit our lives to that of those "in the bubble", but we were called to be so much greater. God loves you. He sees what you are and what you were/are meant to be. His sacrifice was one of love NOT one of duty. He coudl have let us all fall into the shadows, but He in His love and infinite wisedom decided to provide a light. He loves you. He loves you. He truly, truly loves you. BeUBeBeautiful is more than a twitter name and blog url. It's a message: Be what God intended you to be. Be what He knows you are capable of. Be beautiful, for that is how He made you. Don't let "the bubble" determine your moves on this dancefloor called life: God is the DJ, He got the tunes to get you moving in the right direction. I love you, and He loves you too.

twitter: BeUBeBeautiful
Official blog: beubebeautiful.blogspot.com